


Want U Back

by deltachye



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Gift Fic, One Shot, Other, Song Lyrics, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-30
Updated: 2020-03-30
Packaged: 2021-03-01 05:07:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23399692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deltachye/pseuds/deltachye
Summary: [reader x rin matsuoka]please know what you're telling me.[dw '20]
Relationships: Matsuoka Rin/Reader
Comments: 2
Kudos: 51
Collections: Gift Fics





	Want U Back

[want u back. - spencer](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C42QiTI4WyI)

* * *

_something’s telling me that i’m not better off._

“I wish you didn’t have to go.”

He looked over at you as you gripped fistfuls of dry sand, letting them flow out between your fingers. You weren’t sure what kind of expression he was making; you didn’t think you wanted to know.

“[Name]…” His voice, high and awkward, was lacking in all the comfort you wanted. You closed your palms into fists, grinding the grit into your skin painfully.

“But it’s okay. Because you’re following your dreams, right?” Smiling broadly, you turned to face him, but kept your eyes low so that you wouldn’t meet his. “Just… don’t forget about me when you’re in Australia.”

“I won’t forget about you!” Rin declared adamantly. He reached over, and you only realized he was holding your hand when he tugged you up to your feet. The heat of his skin scalded you; his strong fingers hugged your own. “We’re best friends forever and ever, remember?”

You knew he meant well. But the words stung like the salty, glassy sea shells cutting into your hand: _friends_. Since when had you stopped believing that? Since when had you seen Rin as more than just a friend—a handsome leader, a charismatic boy you couldn’t even bear to part with for a weekend, much less indefinitely?

It was too late to tell him how you felt. The high tide receded, leaving behind dark empty sheets of mud. You grinned broadly, closing your eyes so that you could hide the glimmer of tears.

“Yeah.”

_something’s gotta give now  
always on my head now_

When Rin had come back to Japan, you had jumped into the relationship with him so quickly that you couldn’t even remember when it first became official. It felt like it’d always been meant to be; like, of course we’re together! Rin was a popular household name nowadays, and that had given you a little green lick of pride that he had chosen _you_ of all people. But you can say that all you want, because it’s clear that even with these pretenses, and all that wanting and yearning and waiting, Rin isn’t yours.

He tries his best and you know it. He apologizes for not calling and takes you out and makes you smile. He listens fondly, folding his hands together to rest his chin on them as he stares up at you in adoration with ruby red eyes. But it would probably hurt you less if he didn’t try at all. If he didn’t try to care about you, then you could call him an asshole. Then you could say it’s all his fault and blame him to your heart’s desire.

He’s not a bad person. He’s just a person that doesn’t love you as much as you love him.

Rin’s distant; always out of reach. It’s like every time you reach out, he brushes you away, putting you back on a shelf with gentle hands. He cares, but not the way you want him to. What’s the point of talking about anything when he never tells you what bothers him? You know he’s brimming with it; it simmers in his face when he thinks you aren’t looking. But he doesn’t trust you enough to say anything that matters. You’ve asked nicely, and you’ve begged on all fours. Call it what you will, but he thinks he’s sparing you or something by walking away.

Pretty sure it’s just called ‘being dumped’, but you’ve never been able to pull him out of his delusions.

_i don’t wanna spread out  
please don’t leave the bed now_

“So you’re going back to Sydney, then?”

“Yeah. For the new semester after graduation.”

“I see.”

“…[Name], I know that I’ve been… how do I say this…”

“So you’re going to leave me again? Just say it like it is, Rin. Stop sugar-coating shit. I’m sick of it.”

“Then. Yeah. I’m sorry, but we should end things as they are.”

“Okay.”

“It hurts me too, y’know? But it’s for your own good. You shouldn’t keep chasing after me when…”

“When _what_? You don’t have time for me? You don’t care about me?”

“I care about you. You know I do.”

“You sure don’t act like you do.”

“Then I was right. This is for the best.”

“If that’s what you believe.”

“[Name], you don’t have to be difficult about this.”

“Rin—you didn’t have to be, either.”

 _Goodbye_.

_since you left i don’t know how to act  
stay with me instead now_

When you were little, you’ve never thought that ‘when I grow up, I want to hook up with strangers on the internet just to feel things!’. But here you are, fucking your way through college.

You’ve tried dating again. Opening up your heart, etcetera etcetera. And there were plenty of nice guys… boring, but nice. Plenty of attractive people. Plenty of smart people. Plenty of good, fine people that were excellent lovers to you.

But none of them had been Rin Matsuoka.

You hate yourself _so_ voraciously for it. How pathetic is it to not be able to let go of your childhood crush? He never meant to be cruel, fine, but those years of feeling neglected during your high school fling didn’t just vanish. He’s taken off whenever he feels fit with no regard for you. Why couldn’t you just re-open your eyes on that beach and look at somebody new with the same love you felt for him? What’s so hard about restarting?

Because it’s love, present tense. Here you are, stupid, still crying over your first love who is kilometres off in fuck-all I Don’t Know.

When he comes back again you really tried not to go to him. You really did. But then Sousuke, who keeps in touch with you still, texts that Rin’s here in Tokyo, and you’re pacing in your room vowing not to care, and then you’re outside, and now you’re running, and—

Nobody has ever kissed you like Rin does.

There’s a duality to him. He laps up the sugar of your lip gloss with an innocent playfulness of a boy. Then he bites your lip so hard it bleeds with the ferocity of a man. His arms are wider, stronger around your waist than before. You still remember laughing about how you were taller than him in the fourth grade—you’re struggling on your tip-toes to reach him now. He spares you no room for breath. He takes every moan like a conquest, greedy and proud. His hands, bare on your stomach, feel like they’ve branded you as his.

God, you hate him, you love him so much that you _hate_ him.

“I’m sorry,” he breathed when it’s done, kissing a red spot on your collarbone. You opened your eyes blearily to look down at him, staring reverently up at you.

“It’s fine. I’ll just wear a sweater.”

“No, not that.” He sat up all of the sudden, pulling sheets with him, leaving you bare. You shivered absent-mindedly, watching him stare out the window with an impossible to read expression.

“I know you’ve given all of yourself to me and more, but… [Name], I can’t do the same for you. I’m really sorry.”

“Oh.” You steeled your jaw so that you wouldn’t cry and sat up as well, stiffly. It felt like the sands of the Happy Hourglass had run dry, slipping away from you. “I understand.”

“I…” He sighed heavily, looking back at you. In the silver moonlight, he had real pity and sorrow in his expression. Those angular lines that you’ve loved all this time were softened and vulnerable. “I wish it was different.”

_“I wish you didn’t have to go.”_

“Well, that’s just the way it is, right? Anyways, uh… nice seeing you.” You dressed yourself hastily, needing to get out of here. Suddenly you couldn’t breathe, and the pain wasn’t fun anymore. Rin kept quiet, all the way until you had your hand on the front door.

“Take care, [Name].”

“I will,” you said to your feet. “You too.”

You slammed the door shut behind you and sunk to your knees, your sobs high pitched whines behind your hand. It’s insane of you—why can’t you just walk away? What is it about him that keeps drawing you back when he’s made it clear that he _doesn’t fucking want you_?

It doesn’t even matter as you weep on the floor outside of his room, metres away but worlds apart. This won’t even be the last time you come crawling back, and you know it with a heavy heart.

_i still want you back  
i still need you back_

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr: https://deltachye.tumblr.com/


End file.
